My First Tarot Reading || Taking the Hand of My Five Year Old Self
I would like to start the process of writing a love letter to my five year old self. This does not feel natural, good, wise or anything else. But maybe that’s the point. I just stepped out of my first ever Tarot reading. I have been studying and learning the cards for a little over a year now (welcome to the world of the Sword obsessed Aquarius) but I have never ‘felt’ the power of the Tarot until today. As I write this, I am sitting at a little restaurant (outside on a heated patio with a steaming cup of coffee and my laptop) in Asheville, NC awaiting some chicken and waffles. But all of that is adjacent, outside. Inside, I feel ripped open in the best possible way.
How does one describe what it feels like to have a beautiful mirror held up to them? How do you describe that this particular mirror is magic, other-worldly and it actually shows you not just your physical appearance, but you innermost secrets, your pain, your story, your childhood and your future? This is what it felt like this morning. I was surprised by how this reading went; it was not what I was expecting. The reader drew the cards casually, almost not even looking at them. My first thoughts were ‘c’mon, I want to see what you got; how well do you know these cards!’ but my god, was this the wrong mental state. I needed to shift quickly. As she drew card after card, she began speaking and, what seemed to me, quickly unwrapping the secrets of my soul.
“You tend to be overstimulated with your external world and you neglect the internal’
“You need to find a way to see the shadow, you have to find a way to get into your body”
“You have a fractured sense of masculinity; you want to be a compassionate, strong leader but you feel constricted by toxic expectations of the masculine”
“You need to get in touch with your five year old self and become friends with him.”
Writing these things, they seem ubiquitous and perhaps could be applied to any Aquarius that walks through the day. I don’t think that is what was going on, at all, but in the end, it doesn’t fucking matter. What matters is how I feel right now; sitting here, writing this. I feel blown apart.
So, five year old Justin. Let’s do this.
I see a little kid in clothes that are too tight for his body; the first feelings of a world that constricts and confines, a world that doesn’t fit. Hey kid; I get it. The world still feels like that. We are going to work on that. I see a kid who cares about his brothers; who does everything he can to make their lives better, his parent’s lives easier, to keep his aunts and uncles and grandparents happy and to make sure he always does the right thing. I see a kid who has no idea what the right thing is for himself. I see a kid who thinks feeling good and acting selfishly are the same thing. They are not.
Justin; you are a good kid. You always do the right thing; you follow directions and you go out of your way to help others and make them feel good. You need to do this for yourself. It is okay to love yourself. You need to make friends with the shadow; make friends with the anger and self-doubt and self-hate and you need to love yourself. Affirmations are not dumb. They are the life blood of living. Justin; live your life. Figure out what that means and live your life. Love yourself so you can start to actually love everyone else.
This is usually where I get stuck. I have a ton of work to do. I need to find ways to integrate, to synthesize, to get into my body (can we get you out of your head and into your feet? This line by The Midnight and Tyler Lyle is literally a call to action for me to wake the fuck up and start living my life).
The last card was The Sun. Which is insane because this was the card gifted to me by a very special friend back in May. I have it sitting on my shelf behind my computer. The future is bright if I am willing to do the work. Things will be revealed, a light will be shone on the shadows that have harmed me and I will see them for the first time with new eyes. I will be different. Life will be different. These things are terrifying. But this is what needs to happen.
The Tarot is real and it is crucial. I feel like never before in this moment. I have finished my chicken and waffles while writing this. I watch folks pass by on the sidewalk. I sip my coffee. I can do this. I can find a way to live.
